Love, Death and Narcissism

We hold them so high, we balance …

and then fall.

I write this blog from my heart and soul.

My dad went in for exploratory surgery on Friday Dec 18th as he wasn’t feeling well.

At 1:40am Sunday Dec 20th he passed - never regaining consciousness from the surgery.

Let me explain …

My dad was abused as a child. Abused so badly that he ended up going to live with his older sister Irene. The problem here was my dad continued his deceptive ways - becoming an abuser himself. Lying, cheating and stealing were part of his norm.

I wont go into the whole story but I have started writing it in an ongoing blog on my therapy page - you can click here to read it xox - This is my personal upbringing.

I got an opportunity to say goodbye to my dad before he passed. As he lay there hooked up to every machine you can imagine I began to pour my heart out.

Never once did I say “You beat me with a leather belt as a child” … “You promised you would pick me up and then didn’t show up at the pick up point” (multiple times) … “You told me to fuck off and never speak to you again” (this happened countless times when I refused to argue with him and approached him with love and calm) .. “You secretly got married” … “You never invited me to your 50th celebration” (I didn’t even know till after wards).

Instead I said to him “This body is not going to serve you if you come back dad. Give yourself permission to rest. You made all the right choices in life. It takes courage to choose your own happiness.” and then I rambled on with tears so full I could’ve flooded the room.

As I drove the 6hrs to say goodbye I reflected on his life and how I had grown from it. Suddenly I came to the realisation that my dad was a Jungian Archetype of the Jester - this epiphany answered so much about his actions and narcissistic ways.

The Jungian Archetypes have 3 realms for each of us.

Realm one is the core - It’s who we truly are and when we shine within that archetype we relax and grow.

Realm two is the influence - this is the part of us that influences us to turn to realm 3

Realm three is the edge - that part of us that takes over and we really don’t want to be in that realm. The idea of being in that realm is appealing but it never serves our true core of who we are.


My dad at his core was a jester - he just wanted to laugh, play and joke around. But his edge was the outlaw - always fighting for justice (a place he was passionate about, but would put him into a mental state of anger, frustration and anguish - this lead to ALOT of heavy drinking and abusive outbursts)

As I reflected on the times when he was being the jester I can honestly see a wonderful man. Kind hearted and generous. But then the outlaw of his personality would take over in the blink of an eye, leading to an abusive outburst (usually verbal) and nightly drinking till he passed out.

One of my mentorees is Jan Haldane and she is an expert about narcissists and there abuse.

Was my dad a narcissist - I honestly believe so. I do not believe he knew he was.

Jan talks about how many narcissist don’t know they are being narcissistic.

I have to say: I believe this as well.

My dad wasn’t even aware of how much damage he was doing when he chased someone up the road in his car abusing them for not using a blinker. Or even the time he threw KFC through the drive through window cause they got his order wrong.

Fast forward (and rewind) - My dad met a woman named Amy in 2014. She was 20 at the time they met and he was about 55. They got married and she tells me stories about my dad with an enlightenment in her eyes that I have never seen in anyone. I honestly believe he changed a lot of his ways when he met her and started living his life in a way where he could laugh and joke around.

At his funeral there was 64 people (only 8 family including me) - I met my dads new friends from Amy’s family and they were honoured to have met such a man. They cried as they shared there stories of good times. I got a sense around them as if I was the estranged daughter that never visited - but honestly - he told me not to.

I told Jan I would like to do a podcast with her about the narcist passing away and still grieving. I cried a lot for my dad despite all the abuse and the secret life he had. I would like to pass on a lesson to you.

Each person comes into our lives to teach us something (yes yes cliché) but what did I learn from this?

I learnt that in death and grief nothing makes sense. Everybody will grieve in their own way (as much as they may seem like hypocrites in our eyes, they truly are expressing themselves as best they can). Allow yourself to grieve in any way you want. It has no time, and no judgement. Grief doesn’t care what other plans you had. Grief is to be felt when grief comes along. Cry, scream, yell, sleep - do whatever you need to do to get it out of your system. For when the storm begins to pass and the rainbow starts to shine - you will be glad you can smile and enjoy it.

We are taught to love each person for who they are - Does this include narcissistic parents? - This I have no answer, but I know I did. My friends and partner would tell me continuously that he “wasn’t much of a dad”, but honestly - what is? we are children at the time and we don’t know any different. All we know is love - and I loved my dad xox

Jan offers an amazing course about relationships - it creates a lot of understanding towards why we become addicted to the drug of narcissism - click here to have a look at it